A funny title about stairs. (just prettend this is one. its too early for witt) Updated: Now with more zombies.

I think age can be gaged by the way people walk down stairs.

When I was I baby I rode the elevator because of my stroller.

When I was a toddler I rode the elevator because of my limited motor skills (and I liked buttons)

When I was a child I jumped down stairs 2 at a time.

When I was a teenager I did whatever everyone else was doing so that I would be cool (stair wise in this case) or if I’m with my friends I would run past people to get the best spots on the subway practically knocking others down the stairs, not really caring ’cause I’m a kick-ass teenager and I’m invincible and I’m your future prime minister or something dude so you better respect!’

As an adult* I consciously make an effort to ‘float’ down the stairs. (To strengthen my leg muscles, to appear graceful and because all Disney Princess’ floated down staircases and I still want to live in a fairy tale)
*I say adult, but that’s purely an age thing. Indicative of the floating down the stairs, I am far from socially or mentally being an ‘adult’. More on that another time.

And from what I see:
As a wrinkly adult** you do what everyone else does (so as not to draw attention) or if your late you run quickly down the stairs, elbows out and hope you give a few people bruises because ‘what are you doing in my way I’m older and wrinkly and I don’t have to take shit from anyone!’
**I totally know I need a better name for this. I don’t mean as soon as you get wrinkles… More that stage where your not at the beginning of your na├»ve and hopeful adult stage but your far from being ‘old’ this could possibly be the ‘aged but still awesome’ category? I would put my mom here. Not because she likes elbowing people, or becouse she has a few wrinkles but because she’s awesome. Also I seem incapable of considering her old. In my head she is 42. Always. She stopped aging at that point. I think she’s actually like … 56? 52? 69? Whatever she kicks 98% of other moms asses at awesomeness. (I know they’re out there but I haven’t met the other 2% of awesome moms. We should all get the awesome moms together and have a giant awesome-mom-awesome-daughter conference. But there should be a test to get in. And another party for those that didn’t get in but are apparently awesome enough to have someone nominate them for awesome mom. Also awesome people don’t judge other people for being slightly less awesome. I think this thought is flawed.
ALSO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A POST ON STAIRS! No wonder I don’t sleep! My brain is on speed or something!

When you are old you make sure you are taking up as much stairs as possible and shuffle extra slowly down the stairs making sure to hold people up while apologizing really sweetly each step down so that everyone behind you feels guilty for being annoyed at how slowly you are going.

When you are at that stage of old that you could very well be a zombie and no one would be able to tell the difference, you are most likely in a scooter or wheelchair and you take the elevator again because wheels are bad on stairs (and buttons are fun)

Full circle people!

Now to think of it… What if old people ARE zombies, and we just haven’t caught on yet. They moan, stare blankly, shuffle (or if in scooters, scoot)

O.M.G. Zombies in scooters. We’re all gonna die!


Some things I’ve learnt

Didn’t have anything to do this weekend so I stayed inside all weekend.
Kept to myself. Always have.
Plus side is that I had 3 smokes all weekend and didn’t spend any money.
Learned 2 lessons. The internet is useless unless you (a.) Have a credit card and (b.) Have a working computer.
Also that I’m a lazy slob.

Deep insight into my life right there.

Its 9pm. Time for me to go to bed. I’m having a *comforter day.

*see my legend for hidden meaning.

Ps. Remind myself to write a legend for phrases with secret meanings.

I need to turn my weird into a money making skill. So far im in line for Cat Lady.

I don’t know how much Cat Lady makes though. Though it has to be something ’cause cats are expensive dude! I have 1 right now and she’s like $50 a month! She totally eats better than I do though. I am gluten and milk intolerant and SHE’S the one with the grain and dairy free diet. All I have is Kraft Dinner which incorporates EVERYTHING I SHOULDN’T BE EATING!

I may need to rethink a few things.

PS. Just as a side note. I’m not talking about one of those Cat Ladys you see on those you-need-some-serious-help-in-the-form-of-a-white-padded-room shows. I assure you I plan to have no cat carcasses lost beneath layers of filth. Though … I’m not sure that’s what those people were working towards in the begining … Let’s play this by ear. Now I’m going to the dollar store to buy garbage bags to throw out everything I own.

Tomorrows blog “can I go to work in a bedsheet and not get fired?”