This sucks.

Me, on life. April 2013.

This sucks….

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E-mail Conversations With My Mother (Part 1)

ME:: Happy birthday! Hope you like the picture. I’m sure your still young enough to get that :p I Love You.

Image

MOM:: I don’t get it!  Just kidding

ME:: So I wanted to let you know… I haven’t really figured how to tell you properly so Im just gonna say it.

Im seeing this guy named Kent

He lives in Montreal

Hes 40

He makes custom furniture for a living. Usually in the shape of coffins

He has another girlfriend. But me and her are cool with each other.

Just thought Id keep you updated.

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A few moments later…..

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ME::I sent that as a joke then pictured you reading that and having a heart attack.

MOM::Sarah, nothing you do will ever surprise me any more. Lucy – had a heart attack

(*small note, this entire conversation was sent between work e-mails. Lucy is the woman that sits closest to my Mom)

ME::Ahahahahahah

…… funny thing is that i have a friend,named Kent, who is in Montreal  aged 40, who makes coffin furniture for a living, and has a girlfriend im cool with

……But I am not dating him.

MOM::You know Sarah, none of these scenarios would shock me.

I’m seeing a guy named Clark Kent

He lives in a phone booth in Montreal

He is 40

He has a thing for red tights but only on the weekend – when he sleeps in his coffin.

He has a girlfriend and we all really like each other – a lot.

I’m seeing a guy named  Kent

He live in the internet

He is 40

He makes custom red tights for the homeless (people who can’t figure out how to get into the internet)

He has a girlfriend that he keeps in a coffin (with breath holes)

ME::You are the reason why I am so absolutely amazing (-ly odd) I am 100% sure that whichever weirdo I DO end up with, will get along with our family just fine.

MOM:: I’m sure whoever you choose will fit in just fine – we are going to have to lie to Grandma – but that’s okay.

 

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I love my Mom.

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A funny title about stairs. (just prettend this is one. its too early for witt) Updated: Now with more zombies.

I think age can be gaged by the way people walk down stairs.

When I was I baby I rode the elevator because of my stroller.

When I was a toddler I rode the elevator because of my limited motor skills (and I liked buttons)

When I was a child I jumped down stairs 2 at a time.

When I was a teenager I did whatever everyone else was doing so that I would be cool (stair wise in this case) or if I’m with my friends I would run past people to get the best spots on the subway practically knocking others down the stairs, not really caring ’cause I’m a kick-ass teenager and I’m invincible and I’m your future prime minister or something dude so you better respect!’

As an adult* I consciously make an effort to ‘float’ down the stairs. (To strengthen my leg muscles, to appear graceful and because all Disney Princess’ floated down staircases and I still want to live in a fairy tale)
*I say adult, but that’s purely an age thing. Indicative of the floating down the stairs, I am far from socially or mentally being an ‘adult’. More on that another time.

And from what I see:
As a wrinkly adult** you do what everyone else does (so as not to draw attention) or if your late you run quickly down the stairs, elbows out and hope you give a few people bruises because ‘what are you doing in my way I’m older and wrinkly and I don’t have to take shit from anyone!’
**I totally know I need a better name for this. I don’t mean as soon as you get wrinkles… More that stage where your not at the beginning of your naïve and hopeful adult stage but your far from being ‘old’ this could possibly be the ‘aged but still awesome’ category? I would put my mom here. Not because she likes elbowing people, or becouse she has a few wrinkles but because she’s awesome. Also I seem incapable of considering her old. In my head she is 42. Always. She stopped aging at that point. I think she’s actually like … 56? 52? 69? Whatever she kicks 98% of other moms asses at awesomeness. (I know they’re out there but I haven’t met the other 2% of awesome moms. We should all get the awesome moms together and have a giant awesome-mom-awesome-daughter conference. But there should be a test to get in. And another party for those that didn’t get in but are apparently awesome enough to have someone nominate them for awesome mom. Also awesome people don’t judge other people for being slightly less awesome. I think this thought is flawed.
ALSO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A POST ON STAIRS! No wonder I don’t sleep! My brain is on speed or something!

When you are old you make sure you are taking up as much stairs as possible and shuffle extra slowly down the stairs making sure to hold people up while apologizing really sweetly each step down so that everyone behind you feels guilty for being annoyed at how slowly you are going.

When you are at that stage of old that you could very well be a zombie and no one would be able to tell the difference, you are most likely in a scooter or wheelchair and you take the elevator again because wheels are bad on stairs (and buttons are fun)

Full circle people!

Update***
Now to think of it… What if old people ARE zombies, and we just haven’t caught on yet. They moan, stare blankly, shuffle (or if in scooters, scoot)

O.M.G. Zombies in scooters. We’re all gonna die!

Some things I’ve learnt

Didn’t have anything to do this weekend so I stayed inside all weekend.
Kept to myself. Always have.
Plus side is that I had 3 smokes all weekend and didn’t spend any money.
Learned 2 lessons. The internet is useless unless you (a.) Have a credit card and (b.) Have a working computer.
Also that I’m a lazy slob.

Deep insight into my life right there.

Its 9pm. Time for me to go to bed. I’m having a *comforter day.

*see my legend for hidden meaning.

Ps. Remind myself to write a legend for phrases with secret meanings.

I need to turn my weird into a money making skill. So far im in line for Cat Lady.

I don’t know how much Cat Lady makes though. Though it has to be something ’cause cats are expensive dude! I have 1 right now and she’s like $50 a month! She totally eats better than I do though. I am gluten and milk intolerant and SHE’S the one with the grain and dairy free diet. All I have is Kraft Dinner which incorporates EVERYTHING I SHOULDN’T BE EATING!

I may need to rethink a few things.

PS. Just as a side note. I’m not talking about one of those Cat Ladys you see on those you-need-some-serious-help-in-the-form-of-a-white-padded-room shows. I assure you I plan to have no cat carcasses lost beneath layers of filth. Though … I’m not sure that’s what those people were working towards in the begining … Let’s play this by ear. Now I’m going to the dollar store to buy garbage bags to throw out everything I own.

Tomorrows blog “can I go to work in a bedsheet and not get fired?”

Tag your it…

Totally not feeling it today. I was kinda on Auto pilot.

Though I had an awesome dinner with Melissa and some much needed girl talk (we freek’n ROCK!) At the Korean Grill House where they give you all you can eat meat and you have a BBQ in your freek’n table! How cool is that! Totally need one of those at home!

Anyways, as I’m not witty enough to post anything hilarious here is something from my favorite Person-I-Internet-Stalk-That-Doesnt-Know-I-Exist. The Bloggess. Totally passing the buck here. You’re still all (3 of you) going to enjoy it.

The Bloggess on poorly designed zombie deterrent furniture

OMG I think I just grew up!

I bought internet!

I’ve been using my Blackberry as my only source of cable and internet for about 3 years. And I just bought the internet! All of it, apparently cause now I have to come up with like $200 for my first bill….. So I have NO IDEA how I’m going to do that.

I was telling my friend Melissa about all this (who BTW is pretty kick ass and also about to be in a music video for the World Wildlife Federation… Or wrestling, I always forget who won the WWF lawsuit. I think it was wrestling pandas, but that doesn’t help clarify all that much) and the conversation may or may not have gone like this:

Me: OMG I think I just grew up. I bought internet!

Melissa: Wahoo!

Me: Yeah baby! But I have to somehow come up with like 200$ for my first bill. Which I’m not sure how to do. I can never party again. Ever. Unless I can get payed to party. Then PARTY ON!

Melissa: Hrm, Phone sex operator job on the side!!

Me: Or I can branch out into robbery!

Melissa: Haha you. A robber. Doesn’t work. You’re too pure. And I mean that in the good way.

Me: How about the girl that distracts the dude being robed by being all “where’s the subway? Is that a pickle? Can you hold this dog?” And then other people rob them.

And then Melissa didn’t text me back for a while, obviously because she knows that this is a fool proof plan and was trying to find a good way of asking to join the ranks of distraction robbers. Except unless we can find someone to actually do the robbing all we’ll be doing is creating mass confusion, but I suppose that’s robbing people of their time. So I say we have a solid business plan.

Also, I need to fix my computer. It dosent turn on. I don’t think the addition of the internet is going to fix that.

I am the worst technical support person ever. (No lie, real job. Just for phones not internet. Not that that excuses anything. Where’s the ‘ON’ button on this thing?)